Even When I'm Worried He Makes Me Smile

Mr. Finn hasn't been feeling well this week. In fact, he has had a temp of 100.4 - 102 for almost 36 hrs now and that definitely makes this mama worried. Yet, for the most part he has been his happy self - but much more subdued. This is what amazes me. How sweet Finn has been even though he clearly doesn't feel his best. He still gives his best to others. (Mama's heart swells!) This morning, prior to phoning the pediatrician, I took his temperature and immediately following Sawyer wanted to do the same thing. So there is Finn, clearly down for the count, and his little brother is pretending to take his temperature while patting his head and giving him kisses (doing a great job of replicating nurse mommy). Through the whole thing, Finn didn't complain. Well, until Sawyer started pulling his ear.

At the doctor's office, Finn was super kind and sat for everything. Even the throat and nose swabs. There is nothing worse than seeing your child sick. Becoming a mom, nothing really prepares you for how much you are going to love this little person. How intense that love is. How joyful. But when this walking manifestation of your heart gets sick, nothing prepares you for how intensely you worry. Even when it is something minor.

About a year and a half ago, Finn developed a fever. Much like this one. No other symptoms, just running hot. But that particular fever would spike and drop. Finn ended up having 3 febrile seizures within 24 hours. Two trips to the ER and one 911 call to the local fire department because he had stopped breathing. It took me a while to be able to talk to fellow parents about this episode (not really the right word for it). I have never been more terrified in my life. To watch my little guy be standing one moment, then fall to the ground, seizing, eyes rolling back. The third time this happened, he stopped breathing and started to turn blue. When the paramedics came and gave him oxygen I felt helpless. Clearly they were doing what they were trained to do. But where was my training? I couldn't  do anything but answer questions.

Luckily this time there hasn't been any signs of febrile seizures, and Finn will most likely never have them again. But it has left me hyper vigilante, probably more so than I need to be. I hover and over analyze. I ask Keaton a million questions about what he thinks (much to his annoyance). But I can't help it. My boys are my world, and when one of them stops breathing, even for a moment, so do I. I guess that's the price you pay when you sign up for this crazy ride called parenthood. Your heart is outside your body,  and all you can do is hope the world keeps it safe and treats it kindly.

Finn 2 days after his seizures,  happy to be outside again!